Yehuda - Gethsemane

I

VERY EARLY IN the morning one of Her girls comes to wake me. She is shy and barely touches my shoulder but I am half-awake already and I turn towards her slowly. I smile and say thank you and she stares at me for a moment before disappearing back into the caves.

II

LYING THERE FOR a moment I try to make sense of my dreams. I dreamed that I was sleeping and that I woke up to find myself in a cavern deep underground with crowds of people milling around. Some were screeching abuse at me while others were in tears, I was obscured behind some kind of scrim and nobody could decide how to interpret me. The scene began flashing and changing until people were hurling insults and praise at me simultaneously, until there came a flash of lightning and a terrible clap of thunder and the curtain was ripped in two. The people groaned to see me revealed and they sank to their knees in agony.

III

I DO NOT want to get up but I know we need to set off as early as possible. I pull on my cloak and fasten my sandals as I look out towards the entrance to the caves. I can see from where I am that it is still gloomy outside and the sunrise looks a fair way off. I do not want to go but I chastise myself against such laziness and cowardice, I need to go out and assemble the men and get us to the place where She has told me to be.

IV

SHE WOULD HAVE set off with my brother as soon as the moon allowed, and unless they are already captured they should be well clear of the Holy City. I agreed to buy them some time and so I will, especially for the duration of this day if I can manage it. Travelling by night they have some protection but in the daylight She loses Her power. I asked how much time She needed and She would not tell me. As much time as possible, is all that I could get from Her. Every hour of sunshine I can win for them will increase our chances, and save us from the secrets She has been foolish enough to reveal.

V

THE LAST THING I did to my brother was lie to him. He looked so panicked and hunted that the truth would not have helped him. I struck my hand against his chest to stick some courage to him, I clapped him on his pale cheeks and I tried to make him laugh. For all of his faults he was always well intentioned. He is full of himself but he has never harmed anybody and God knows I can't make that boast. He should have been left to his poetry and his songs of Love and his dreams about the Kingdom of Heaven. He was never built to face the ordeal She has thrust upon him.

VI

SHE IS DISTRAUGHT but I won't spare Her any blame. She should have protected him and loved him like the mother She claimed to be. Her perverse wedding has torn everything apart, She was seduced by his words and he had no strength to refuse Her. He keeps no vows and so he lacks any moral foundation, although I doubt that even the strongest vows would be enough to counter Her desire.

VII

I TOLD MY brother that we would see each other again. Even though my heart tells me this is also untrue. I told him this whole mess could be remedied but that was just to bolster his courage. Between each falsehood I glanced over at Her but She didn't seek to correct me. I told him that I loved him, that was the very last thing I said as I kissed him goodbye. And in the instant that I said it, I am sorry to say, it was just another one of my lies.

VIII

IN THE HALF-LIGHT I walk out to where most of the men are sleeping. I hesitate for a moment, wondering if I should head out alone and leave them there to sleep. But I know how appalled they would be if I left without them, they would rush out in every direction trying to find where I had gone. They seem destined to walk with me for just a little longer and so I go around one by one and wake them up. The first ones groan when I push them and say: wake up. Wake up boys. But as soon as a couple of them are up they sense the urgency and they begin to leap into action, quickly rousing everyone until they are all standing around me, stretching and murmuring quietly and pulling their cloaks around them.

IX

KNOWING THAT THIS moment is coming I turn towards the men and pull back my hood. There is a shocked silence as they see what is left of my hair. They are aghast but I laugh and strike some poses, and soon they begin to laugh with me saying: Roman, Roman, do you envy your brother that much? They gather around me to rough up my hair and to feel how soft my face is, I play the fool in the early morning as we bolster our courage with laughter.

X

AS WE READY ourselves to go I see Lily standing quietly at a distance, dressed and clutching some bags and a waterskin. I walk over to her to tell her to stay behind but there is something about her that weakens my resolve. I know that she means to come, and shorn of my hair I lack the strength to oppose that even if I wanted to. I have no power to compel her, unless it were to save her life, and if she means to come with us I cannot forbid her from doing so.

XI

WE SET OUT as soon as there is light enough to see, carrying light gear and provisions. Enough food for one or two days. Lily trails behind us and there is no question from the men about that. They do ask where we are going but I just smile and tell them that they will see when we get there. They have followed me this far without question and it's only a little way further as we move quickly over the dewy ground. The eastern sky brightens as we climb through hills full of olive trees and pine groves and grapevines, the vinedressers already at work at their vines. We cross a saddle between two low hills and then a rough path takes us down until we descend into the garden of Gethsemane.

XII

AS WE WALK a peaceful mood comes over me. A feeling of being watched over, that this is the true path I am supposed to walk no matter how harsh it becomes. An intense peace falls down over me from the trees we pass beneath, coming to absolve me and to clear my heart and I would like to walk under those trees forever. I form the clear impression that I have walked this way before, sometimes in the company of comrades and sometimes going alone. These feelings come effortlessly and in the clear morning the men seem soothed by such feelings as well.

XIII

WHEN WE REACH the garden we rest and drink water and then it comes time for me to explain. I tell the men at the outset that I do not know the full story and that is the absolute truth. I tell them that my brother is being hunted and that if he is taken by the Romans the whole world will go into ruin. I have come here to buy time for him, to create a diversion that will allow him to escape. The men are troubled by this and they ask me what I need from them and I say: just to rest up under these trees for a day. Set a couple of sentries and come warn me if anyone comes. Otherwise just stay where you are, get some rest, and do not approach me when I go out into the sun.

XIV

THE MEN ARE confused and resistant and I don't blame them. Why I would speak about the destruction of the world, why I have taken on the appearance of my brother. They guess that I am a proxy to be offered in his place, and they know what the Romans will do to me if they find I have cheated them of their prize.

XV

THEIR TRUST FRACTURES and they openly dissent but Peter stands up in front of them and declares to me: I have followed you this far. I swore I would follow you to the ends of the earth and it looks like I might be held to that. And turning to the others he says: Men. There is nothing holding you here. None of you are cowards, and you have all served with honour and distinction. If you wish to depart us now there is no shame in doing it, just be honourable and stand up and tell us that's what you'll do. Not a single one of the men stands up and Peter sits back down again and all of them remain where they are. I tell them again that they should get some rest, in the heavy shade or in the cool of the adjacent grotto. This might be the last bit of rest they get for a long time.

XVI

THE MORNING SUN feels hot as I walk up the rocky slope above the garden. Lily follows behind me without any complaint. The climb is stiff but not long and we soon reach the gravesites at the place where the peak flattens out. I know this is the appointed place and that we have come here just in time. I turn to Lily who nods at me as I say: stay in the shade the best you can. Watch carefully for anyone who comes. Never speak of this to anybody. Thank you for staying with me.

XVII

I WALK OUT into the direct sunlight and I find some level ground. I kneel down because I don’t know what else to do. I say some prayers but that seems unnecessary so I dispense with them and simply kneel there under the morning sun. The heat on my shorn head feels strange but it is not an unpleasant strangeness. I bow my head down as low as it will go and the heat of the sun draws down into me. It is a kind of strength but not like my former strength, it feels dark and dangerous and it speaks to parts of me that were buried beneath my vows. I feel Lily watching me and I find with some surprise that my feelings for her have turned dark and hot as well.

XVIII

AS THIS POWER streams into me more and more it tells me what I am. I am the Dark Son, kneeling in His ruined strength amongst the remnants of the dead. I feel the strength that is lost to me but I also feel the heavy fragments I still wield, and I know that even with a blunt weapon I could slay more enemies with these end parts of my strength than I ever could before. The darkness gathers and begins to swirl around me, with flashes of blacklight that could rip the skin and the viscera from the vulnerable bodies of men, that could consume endless amounts of human flesh and human blood and never be satiated. This power within me swells and bloats outwardly and my inner sight heaves open and suddenly I see Them.

XIX

AT THE EXACT time I see Them I also burst into their vision. A rebellious slave invested with power beyond the powers of Rome, bringing down hordes in vengeance upon their brutal empire. They are terrified and try to scatter but I do not let them hide. I monopolise their vision and taunt them with their stupidity, to let me marry Her when they could have taken us and killed us at any time. And now we are joined I tell them what they most fear: that we have limitless numbers of liberated slaves in every imaginable location, and that even now She is rushing around the countryside activating these cells for war. When you struck at one cell, I tell them, it only divided into many new ones. But mostly I boast of my new strength, now I am joined with Her, I dare them to come at me with as many men as they can muster and watch me smash their legions into pieces.

XX

I FEEL THEIR consternation and I multiply it endlessly. With words not as refined as my brother's but having a blunt force he could never wield. I tell them that they will be hunted and brought down and cast out of the world, that there will be neither mercy nor exile nor any other kind of reprieve. Whatever brutality they visited upon the People will be repaid to them a hundredfold and I show them images of these things, stored up in my darkest parts, from the losses I have sustained and the losses amongst my men. I bleed our dark blood over their maps of the world and it corrupts every part of their vision, they gibber in fear because they see me destined towards a New Throne, towards a New Kingdom where they will be broken under our chariots, and their hearts fed to the wolves who will rally to every side of my throne.

XXI

I CONTINUE TO burn and rage in the sun but I also offer them bargains. If they will bow down to me, and let me take up their reins, then I might spare them to be made ensigns and foot soldiers of the Empire to come. I show them the true savagery of this New Rome, when it returns to being suckled by a She-Wolf and being judged by Her as well. I lay claim to direct Her powers and I tell them: I will say who lives and who dies in this new dispensation, and that even for a chance at a merciful death you would be wise to bow down and worship me and proclaim me as your King.

XXII

THE ROMANS TREMBLE but they do not lack in cunning. As my strength wanes a little they try to find ways towards me, wheedling and cadging trying to find out where I am. They express concern for my welfare and offer to come to me with supplies of food and wine and also with fighting men. I just laugh and ask them whether I seem like I seek comfort, whether food or drink or protection has the least bit of interest to me. 

XXIII

AS I BURN there in the sun I send out contradictory messages that they find maddening to untangle. I hint that I might be deceiving them, that my talk of a slave revolt is just my peculiar joke and that I am simply Her jilted lover who is seeking His revenge. Or that I stole secrets from Her which they may be interested to purchase, that I can be bought for gold or silver or indulgence in women and wine. I hint that I have always been Her enemy, that I was a plant in their camp who seduced Her with stolen words, that I methodically stored up Her secrets and will sell them to the highest bidder.

XXIV

THESE TAUNTS AND responses draw on for many hours without much change, and they do not turn towards any resolution. I reiterate my threats and offers and boasts but more and more I just kneel in the sun and burn as they look towards me. Because this is the most important thing: that I dominate their vision for as long as possible, so they lack the sight to turn towards my brother, or towards Her and Her Sisters as they try to undo what She has done.

XXV

I RETREAT OUT of the sun a few times to where Lily is watching. I choke down some water but I can't stomach any food. She gazes at me steadily despite how unsteady I must look. The sun has burnt my skin where my hair was cut away, it feels stretched and raw and it will worsen before the sun goes down. The glow of the Black Sun completely infuses me and I feel profoundly mad with it, I must look totally insane to Lily but she never once looks away.

XXVI

MY STRENGTH BEGINS to fail. My last reservoirs are almost empty and I know they have come to suspect it. As the day wanes it becomes harder to keep up my pretence, they see the frayed edges of my power and suspect that I might be deceiving them. But I retain the distinct impression that they believe I am the one they seek, that this trick survives even if they now doubt what power I have within me.

XXVII

AS THE SUN gets low in the sky I come back into the shade for the final time. Lily offers me water but I cannot drink, and I am forced to lie down for a little while before I can face the walk back downhill. My head throbs savagely and I feel unsteady on my feet but we eventually make it down. Some of the of the men have finally fallen asleep, just in time for me to wake them and tell them the unwelcome news I bear.

XXVIII

WITH THE MEN gathered around me I thank them for staying with me for the day, and also for their faith in me as strange as things must seem. I tell them that I need just a little more faith from them, just for a short while. I have never presumed to command them but on this evening I am forced to abandon that and tell them: you need to get your things together and leave this place and disperse. Some things may happen tonight and tomorrow that I wish I could prevent. I don’t know much about them yet but I do know you need to leave me for a few days. If anyone comes to lay hands on you or arrest you then you need to be smart about it. You must say that you do not know me, and you must deny being any part of the People. Keep your heads down if they come for you, play dumb or curse me if it will keep you safe. Whatever you need to do, until it passes over.

XXIX

THE MEN HAVE been patient with me on this strange day but my last request is too much. They loudly object to it and they shout out that we are sworn comrades, that we do not abandon one other even if that means death. I am moved by their courage and their loyalty but I manage to staunch my tears and say: I believe every last one of you. But trouble might be coming that you cannot imagine, and if you need to save your lives I want you to do what it takes. And remember: I asked you for this. If you find yourselves denying me, or even swearing that you hate me, remember that I wanted you to do it.

XXX

THE MEN GRUMBLE but they pack up their gear and divide what is left of the food. They are tough and resourceful and I have no real fears for them. Lily produces the necklace of silver coins that I refused to take from Her, and I suddenly feel very glad for the gift of all that silver. I cut the cords and slide the coins clinking out into our treasurer's hands. He doles them out amongst the men with his customary fairness, he offers a share to me and to Lily but both of us refuse to take it. He puts those last coins back in to the common purse, they will form the basis of new streams of silver once the Brothers reassemble themselves.

XXXI

PETER IS THE last to leave. He comes forward to embrace me and says quietly in my ear: let the others disperse but bring me with you. Your strength is ruined, and this stupid thing you have done with your hair. You couldn't resist a single one of them and they will come for you in droves. You know how strong I am, he says as he grasps my arms. Are you going to make me remind you of it?

XXXII

I CLAP HIM on his broad back and say: you know I would take you with me if I could. But you are the most important one, Peter. Out of any of us, you are the one who can continue the work. He is puzzled by my words as he often is, but he slowly relaxes his grip on me and says with a smile: you are insane, you know. You always were. The only problem is that I’m mad enough to admire you. He kisses me on both cheeks and looks at me with his crinkled eyes and says: they might write about us one day. Make sure you give the fuckers something to write about. Then he turns away abruptly, gathers up his things, and disappears into the twilight just as I asked him to.

XXXIII

IN THE END only Lily is left, standing quietly amongst the gnarled branches of an olive tree. She has collected our few things and I ask her: ready? And she nods quickly and looks at me again with those clear pale eyes of hers. She is never ashamed to look at me but I still find myself looking away. 

XXXIV

AMONGST SO MANY strange things this might well be the strangest. I have renounced my strength and my exertions under the Black Sun have drained out what was left. Yet if she is with me I will have no fear. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. She is tall and strong but any of the men would be stronger. Peter looks like he is carved out of granite and yet he could never protect me the way that she can.

XXXV

THIS STRANGE SILENT girl from the northern places. Who stands in her ready strength, wearing the colours of a lion. I have known the partial rations of a She-Wolf but Lily is something much rarer than that. And I feel called to the same kind of rarity, because she sees me coming to her now dressed in the skin of a lion. The Lion of Judah, she teaches me, in days to come I will be called Lion when my hand is upon the neck of my enemies. And in those days she will stand beside me like a lioness, and out of our joint strength will come such sweetness, when our suffering is transformed into Pride and our people stretch outwards to every corner of the earth. And what is sweeter than honey, she asks me. And what is stronger than a lion?

XXXVI

LILY SMILES AS she confirms the truth of one last thing. How we have always been together, in countless lives before, how we are always lost to one another before our lives can really begin. Her smile is soft but these truths are hard enough to break my heart. But she reminds me of the corresponding truth: that when a heart breaks it always breaks open. I see countless lifetimes of heartbreak opening us irrevocably to one other, I see this lifetime buttressing our story and the space our hearts can share.

XXXVII

IN THAT OPEN space between us we walk side-by-side out of the garden. Towards cruelty already intimated to us, like the cruelty we suffered before. But I know as she takes my hand that we are destined to return some day, to enter back into the Garden when the world is made new, when the flint cracks open to reveal watersprings and cruelty has been banished from every last place upon the Earth.

XXXVIII

AND I WILL know what paths will lead us there, and she will know the words to sing.

I.N.R.I

- MMXXIII -